Part 1. Direct talks
The United States: Welcome to resumption of direct negotiations between Palestine and Israel. The goal of these talks is establishment of a Palestinian State, the borders of which, to be agreed upon during negotiations, will be established according to the pre-June 4, 1967 boundaries. The sides will have an unlimited opportunity to express their opinions and set forth their proposals during these talks, which will be completed within one year. At this point I would request Israel to make an opening statement.
Russia: Thank you very much, Mr. President. It is our honor to be participating in these discussions. We agree with most of your opening statement, with a significant addition. It should be clear that we support weapons control for all the parties involved, provided that Israel and Palestine have equal opportunity to defend themselves against any external aggression. Therefore, we expect the sides to agree to international observation and intervention at all military facilities, including the Israeli nuclear reactor in Dimona. This is an axiomatic principal which must be applied, prior to any other discussions.
The United States: Thank you Mr. Representative. Now, please, Israel.
The European Union: Clearly, one of the most important points is security. Palestinian security has been languishing for over 100 years, ever since the Zionist invasion of Palestine. Palestinian security must be ensured. The only way to guarantee their safe sanctuary is via secure borders. These borders must be properly patrolled at all times by international forces, to be armed and prepared to repel any and all aggressors. It is imperative that the Palestinians also be allowed to have a hand in guarding their lives and country, Therefore the EU will assist in arming a full-fledged Palestinian military defense force, to be called the PDF. This has already been promised to the Palestinian leadership, and as we speak, the PDF framework is being established.
The United States: Thank you, Mr. Representative. Mr. Israeli Prime Minister, please.
The United Nations: Mr. President, please note: 1) The UN, in the 1970s, passed a resolution stating that Zionism is Racism. 2) The UN, in 1947, passed resolution 181, calling for a partition of Palestine. We believe that the time has come to finally implement that resolution, which will bring about a quick solution to all the issues at hand.
The United States: Thank you, Mr. Representative.
Mr. Israeli Prime Minister, in all actuality, I believe there is nothing left to be said. There seems to be unanimous agreement around this table, and with some arm-twisting, we should be able to convince the Palestinians to accept this agreement. Of course, we expect that Israel will assist, with immediate gestures of goodwill, proving your authentic desire for the peace we are on the verge of achieving. Your quiet, relaxed form of expression is much appreciated.
Thank you all for attending. These talks are now adjourned.
Part 2: Suicide watch
Let’s stop and take a look at the map of Israel.
To our north, we must deal with Hizballah in Southern Lebanon. These terrorists are being fed weapons from Syria, Iran, and other friendly nations. According to intelligence reports, they have chemical warheads capable of reaching Tel Aviv.
A little further east we reach Syria, who also maintains an arsenal of unconventional long-range missiles.
Of course, to the north we have Iran, in the process of mixing a nuclear cocktail, aimed also at Tel Aviv.
The eastern border, the Kingdom of Jordan, seems stable. Except for the fact that the King’s enemies attempted to kill his daddy, the late Hussein, numerous times.
Egypt has maintained a cold peace with Israel since the early 1980s. However, President Mubarak is terminally ill, and the Islamic Brotherhood has its eyes on the President’s palace. Should they take over, that 30 year old peace would fizzle up in an instant.
And then, last by not least, we have Hamas sitting to our south, also with missiles capable of hitting deep into the heart of Israel.
That having been said, what happens when another Arab state is formed on our eastern border. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that Abu Mazen really has repented. He no longer denies the Holocaust, he’s sorry about Kiryat Shemona and Ma’alot, and really wants to live peacefully with the Jews. Great. Except, what happens post-Abu Mazen. He’s already announced his intentions to retire. What if his successor has yet to reach the repentant level already achieved by his predecessor? What then?
Or, another possible scenario. It’s quite likely that, following a full Israeli withdrawal from Judea and Samaria, our southern neighbors, down there in Gaza, will attempt to overthrow ‘the good guys,’ in the newly created state of Palestine, leaving Israel to deal with Hamas a few kilometers from Kfar Saba and Petach Tikva. It’s a well known fact that the only reason Hamas still hasn’t succeeded in Yehuda v’Shomron as they did in Gaza is solely due to the presence of the IDF. What happens when they’re gone? Another 8,000 rockets, shot into every Israeli city on our western coast?
Another, no less important factor. From the hills of northern Samaria, there is a gorgeous view of the Mediterranean Sea, from Netanya to Ashkelon. It’s quite exciting to observe a multitude of planes taking off and landing at Ben Gurion airport. Should these hills be abandoned to our enemy, these terrorists will easily be able point a sixteen kilogram shoulder-held Stinger missile at one of our aircraft and pull the trigger, blowing up the plane and killing 300 people instantaneously. And this is not some imaginary hallucination. Israeli intelligence is working hard to find a solution to this much too realistic possibility.
And perhaps last, but not least. What about us, those of us slated for expulsion from our homes. Optimistic figures are somewhere in the vicinity of 200,000 Jews to be affected in Judea and Samaria. Would our leaders expect us to live under a ‘friendly’ Palestinian leadership? And if not, where are we supposed to go. Israel still hasn’t found homes for the 10,000 people expelled from Gush Katif and the northern Shomron five years ago. What are they going to do with 200,000 people? Where will people work? Where will kids go to school? Perhaps Israel will establish Jewish refugee camps in the Negev and Galil?
Direct talks, leading to a Palestinian state, is nothing less than suicide, serving up Israel on a silver platter.